The wall.

Day 15...and I've hit the wall.

• Can't sleep
• Eating is annoying
• Swelling doesn't seem to be going away
• Verge of tears at any minute

Needless to say. I'm not a happy camper. I really think that your attitude towards this process helps in your recovery... well... its HARD to see the positive right now. Knowing that I will be talking, eating, and hurting like this for 4 more weeks is really getting to me. I'll be going back to work next week...and honestly...at this point I'm not ready. Granted its only Tuesday and I have five more days...I just don't see things changing drastically between now and then.

Since I sleep an hour at a time here and there I decided to go into work today to do some paperwork and check my email. Most people know me as the girl who could sleep even when she's not tired...well....that's no longer me. I was amazingly showered and on my way into work this morning by 8. In by 830....out by 930... home and back in bed by 10. After driving and whatnot you'd think I'd be tired...nope. I've been laying in bed since 10....doing nothing...6 hours of nothing.

I'm not happy.

Finally.... surgery day recap. Feb. 12, 2007

So...here it is...a recap of surgery day. Let's start with the night before... my mom had came down to stay with me because we were supposed to get a lot of snow after 9pm that night and she didn't want to take the risk and drive down the morning of. She's such a wise lady. After finishing some delicious chicken cavatini and breadsticks from Pizza Hut... I was tuckered out. Amazingly I was able to fall asleep right away around 9pm and woke up on my own at about 3am. I showered and got ready for the scary ride to the hospital. I say scary....because we were on the road before any of the plows had gone through. I was coaching my mom the entire drive there (which on a normal day only takes about 25 min to get to...we left an hour early) because the center line....was non existent. We safely made it to St. Mary's at about 5am and went straight to patient registration.

There they basically ask you what you're there for...how long you've been experiencing pain (ha!)...insurance information...that kind of stuff. The lady gave me my first of a few wrist bands...you know...so I could ride all the rides. I mean... so they knew who I was...and what good drugs to give me.

After that we were sent up to basically a holding area before surgery. This is where I changed into my new glamorous outfit that I'd be sporting for the next few fun filled days. My mom did her newspaper sudoku for the day while I laid there....eerily calm.

A nurse came in to check all those things they check...and started asking questions about medical history and what not. During this time a guy from the lab came and took blood. He said I smelled good and I giggled. He gave me yet another wrist band. ooo! More rides!

A few other people came in and out of the room. The lady that made copies of my living will, health POA, etc. Um.. the anesthesiologist...he was really nice and made me feel like I was definitely in good hands. Oh...and some dude from the pharmacy came to talk to me about current medications....which was only a multi-vitamin..so I guess I was his easiest patient that morning.

At about 7:25am I see a bed roll into the room and I realize that its time.. I make my way onto the bed and the nurse covers me up in a nice warm blanket. My mom follows us to the elevator and we say our I love you's and the next thing I know...I'm on my way down to surgery.

Its an odd feeling being in a bed when someone is pushing it. I know I have terrible depth perception but it seemed like this nurse was going to wheel me into a wall at any given minute. We came around a corner and I amazingly see a familiar face! One of my really good friends mom is standing at cart looking over some paperwork! I say her name as we roll by and she gives me a little squeeze on the shoulder. That little act made me feel so great for some reason.

We safely find the OR and I'm pushed up against the wall. Another nurse comes out of the OR and introduces herself...we talk about the crazy weather...what surgery i'm having...etc. I finally get wheeled into the very cold OR and I'm moved onto the operating table. It was so much smaller and harder than I had imagined. More and more people started rolling in and my OS came in while they were setting up my IV. The IV was the part I was worried most about...so my legs started to shake...after a few seconds my arm felt really cold. The last thing I remember is being introduced to the assistant surgeon.

From what my mom has told me.... the surgery lasted about 5 hours and 20 minutes. She was told what room I'd be in...but didn't expect me to be in it until a certain time...because they told her I'd be in recovery for about 2 hours.

I woke up very groggy and like I've said it previous posts...my left ring finger was numb..and thats what I was "complaining" about the most.

The mask that they put on you to help clear up congestion and whatnot is TERRIBLE. Its fine if its not attacking your face...but the first day that thing was like a suction cup to my swollen, tender face. I was sooo uncomfortable because I still had the NG tube in and it felt like I had a giant lump in my throat that I couldnt swallow. To make matters worse they added another tube in my nose at one point. I was for sure that they added some holes in my face cause there was no way that all these things were attached to me.

I guess I was in and out for awhile and I constantly...well...it seemed like it...was pushing the nurse button so I could get some anti-nausea medication. I don't think I've ever felt so out of control uncomfortable.

Needless to say it was a pretty bad night. The next day they removed the tubes and catheter and I finally felt like I could breathe...though still very congested. A few friends, co-workers and of course family came to see me and it meant SOOO much. You really find out who cares about you. I've said it time and time again...but you really learn a lot about the people around you.

Thats all I've got for now...but advice to those who haven't had surgery yet...just try to stay calm that first day/week. I won't sugar coat it....its not fun. But... if you're able to make it that far...there's nothing stopping you!

Any reason for a party....

This post wont really cover anything about surgery....recovery...etc. I promised I would post some pictures of the party my roommate Jaime and myself put together to celebrate her 25th birthday as well as my impending surgery/last meal. It was the Saturday before my surgery...so Feb 10th, 2007.


We had sent out an evite inviting our family and close friends to share dinner with us at a local pub/restaurant and then after we made our way back to a townie bar where we were providing free beer. I had such a great time! I am so glad that I got the time to hang out with both family and friends that night. My worlds were definitely colliding as my family rarely sees me outside of family gatherings, holidays, etc. It was nice having everyone together.

I had ordered Jaime a cake that we decided to bring down to the bar. Probably not a good idea. You'll see why...

Day 10

I got little to no sleep last night because I was so worried about this whole infection deal. Thankfully the swelling stayed down and the antibiotics are doing their thing. The OS was happy as well. This was the first appointment were I was talking and had hardly any pain when he took a look at the progress. He'll be gone next week so I'll be meeting with a different doctor...all is well though..he's apparently the one who assisted during my surgery. (I remember seeing someone else in the room...and was introduced...but I wouldn't have been able to pick him out of a line up cause I was already on my way to la la land.) He'll be changing my bands next week..and I think thats about it.

One awesome thing...the OS said he would be taking my splint out at the month mark. WOOHOO! That means no splint for my FAVORITE holiday! St. Patty's Day!

Well...not much else to share other than I'm totally off my pain meds and I feel great today!
Here's a few updated pics from today. I'm attempting to smile..

Infection... Check!

Ah yes. So I have an infection. I woke up yesterday morning to find that the right side of my face was two times the size of the left side. Good thing I had an appointment with the OS. He prescribed another antibiotic and changed my bands. Oh..and a word to the wise..don't take pain meds within an hour of going to an appointment...I was very close to passing out a few times in his office and they had to lay me back and just wait until I felt better. I was able to brush my teeth with a baby tooth brush...mind you..with a splint...makes it pretty difficult.

The new antibiotic doesn't come in liquid form therefor we've had to break the pills down. I haven't been able to get much of it down because the taste...takes over the taste of anything you put it with. I gag...everytime. So...I've been making sure that I get the other antibiotic in my system as much as I'm allowed.

I don't know about anyone else...but i feel like I'm constantly clenching because I'm not used to my new bite. When I realize that I'm doing it i try to relieve the pressure a little bit but I don't know if its good or bad that its happening.

My surgeon called today... to see how i was doing. That was nice. I unfortunately missed the call but it made me feel good that he was that concerned. I have another appointment tomorrow..so I'm hoping the swelling stays down.

Boring post...sorry.

Ok...so I was wrong.

I may have "spoke" too soon.... only 6 hours after I blogged I woke up... literally DYING. Well...maybe DYING is a little too dramatic...but none the less I was in PAIN. So on came the Roxicet...and I passed back out until I heard a familiar barking in my living room. Ah yes. The dog was home. My mom picked SHAMROCK up from the kennel on her way into town today and I guess he told her all about his week long stay...the entire way home.

So yeah. I'm not as strong as I thought I was...and I'm alright with that. I think deep down I just didn't want to take the pain meds cause the taste kills me. In fact, it all tastes like arse. Today is fruity day. I have no desire for warm foods today. Yes, its chilly outside and all Larkin wants is a smoothie. Apparently somewhere in there I thought it was appropriate to bring out the 3rd person. I'm clearly delirious.

On another note, I've started making lists. I've always done lists...to stay organized...but I'm preparing this list for an email I plan on sending to my friend whose studying in China. She's probably about one of two people that will think any or all of it is funny. Hence why I won't be posting it.

Well... its good to hear that the recent surgery ladies are doing so well. I'm so proud of you all. It's obviously a hard time...a trying time...but we'll get through it...and we'll be more strong and beautiful (inside and out) because of it!

Shams is a little tuckered out from all the enjoyment from today..

Day 7

Well... day 7 has finally arrived and I'm slowly starting to see progress. My bruises have finally shown themselves...and have even decided to make their way all down my neck. They were pretty hard to notice as its only been about 10 days since I last tanned. I do have to say though...how nice it is to just relax! Although, two more weeks of this may make me go crazy...I'm going to try and enjoy it as much as possible. Since my last post I've been trying to lessen the amount of pain medicine I take. I hate how it makes me feel so as of today...if everything goes ok...i'm going to attempt no pain meds from here on out. The terrible part of laying in bed all day is thinking of the things I could be doing...and eating. Until about an hour ago I was able to watch commercial after commercial about food...delicious looking food...without craving it. I think my stomach is finally rejecting this new "diet" it wasn't ready for. Oh...and in good news. I've showered. A few times even. I get ridiculously tired so I usually nap after words... but its nice to feel clean. Except for those pesky bandage sticky spots you have left over after being hooked up to so many different things. I still have goo spots from where my IV was...were they took blood (which is also a lovely shade of purple)... and a few crazy ones on my leg from where they taped down the catheter. Oh...and I've yet to take off the sticky bandage looking thing on my cheek where he had to cut and then stitch up after screwing in one of the screws. The OS is apparently taking the stitches out on Tuesday...so I figured I'd let him do the whole thing since I don't think I'm too keen on seeing stitches on the side of my face.

The feeling in my ring finger is slowly coming back... I still haven't asked the OS about it...I should probably do that soon.

My dog is coming home from the kennel tomorrow and I'm both excited and scared. He's quite the ball of energy and I'm just afraid he'll somehow hit my face. But...I don't want him to have to stay there any longer cause I don't want him to forget about me ;(

Let's see...what else is new. I've noticed that some of my surgical friends have kept track of weight loss.. I would do that..If I owned a scale. Maybe I'll buy one for kicks just to see how much of myself this surgery will/has taken away. That's a big maybe though.

I should probably head to bed...seeing as its now 3am...but I realized how poor I'll be after these next few weeks. I will have endless hours to shop online...and that's well....good/not good.

Here's hoping I just get too tired to submit too many orders ;)

I'll leave you with a picture I took of the whiteboard my roommate bought me.

Um...I think I'm alive.

Well.... Here's my thoughts for the day. Though this won't be an entire recap of surgery day I'll probably hit on little things. Stay tuned for a full post on that. I have decided that I have an AMAZING family and an irreplaceable group of friends who when I need/needed it the most they came through for me in ways that I didn't/couldn't even fathom. I recently sent out an email basically giving everyone an update to how I was doing. I feel that normally I am a strong, independent, YOUNG :), woman. When it came to this... I was not. I was, and still am, completely vulnerable, helpless, and an emotional, mental, and physical pile of my former self. These drugs are screwing with me. Although they do help me in certain ways...they make me feel like a completely different person. I'm only a few days post-op and I feel like this is going to be the hardest time of my life. I thought 7 weeks of basic training was rough....ha. I challenge anyone to jaw surgery. Oh...and anyone who gives people crap for going in for just aesthetic reasons...boo on them. THIS IS HARD.

I have questioned myself and this surgery EVERYDAY. Why did I put myself through this? Should I have just dealt with the pain for the rest of my life? Why couldn't I just be happy with how it was? BUT then... you have your friends and family remind you WHY you are in this pain. BECAUSE YOU NEEDED IT. God gave me this jaw for a reason and for me to go through this will hopefully make me even stronger...and then understand why this deformity was mine to begin with. Maybe he knew I'd be strong enough to deal with it...maybe he knew it would teach me something...regardless...there is a reason.

I'll admit it...I'm scared to be alone... this is very temporary mind you...in most cases.. I love my alone time. With health things....no way. As I type this my 26 year old brother is snuggled up in a blanket on the floor. Head to toe, sweatpants and sweatshirt. This kid is clearly cold. Yet he "roughs" the temperature in my room...cause I'm currently SWEATING. That is LOVE people. In fact, I texted him at 3am because I felt very sick and very scared. He showed up not even ten minutes later at my house. He sat with me for about an hour...making sure I had everything I needed...making sure I could get something in my stomach...it was great.

My dad was with me for most of the day yesterday...he's a good little nurse. Amazingly he hears ALOT better when his daughter can't communicate in normal English. He has a calmness about him...wants to do everything to make me comfortable...peeks in to make sure I'm still breathing..you know...dad stuff. He took me to the OS yesterday so that I could get some bands cut...that couldn't have been fun to watch...although it was quick..I'm sure it was hard for him to view.

My mom is the organized one but in a very compassionate loving way. She wants to follow all the rules to make sure that everything goes according to plan. Secretly I think she knows I can't handle anything going wrong at this point. She's such a trooper. I screwed up her daily life to the point where she forgot to eat until 8pm one night because I was all hooked up to tubes in the hospital.

My roommate and best friend Jaime has obviously been great as well. It can't be easy seeing your friend and partner in crime happy and loving life one day...and the next day unable to communicate normally and not wanting to do much of anything. She knows me all to well though. She bought me some Irish smut novel that I'll eventually read one of the clearer days and a white board in which she dawned with "You're pretty" and a picture of a person with a football head. I'd like to think I'm more of a rugby ball head.

That's all I can post for now as I'm tired again. Again, thanks for all your support. You know who you are.

Here's a good one of me on surgery day..I'm stunning..what can I say..
More to come...

Pain!

Hey everyone!

I'm alive but in a lot of pain! I know that I wont be able to post again for awhile but I just wanted to say thanks for all your prayers and warm thoughts.

What time??

It's all very real now... The hospital called me last night and told me that my surgery was scheduled for 7:45am and that I needed to be at the hospital at 5:15am. eek!! That means we'll need to leave from my house at 430/445. That means I'll have to be up by 4 at the very latest! Who am I kidding...theres no way I'm getting sleep! Today is preparation and party day.. and tomorrow is recovery and homework day.. then I'm set.

Steph..I hope everything went well with your surgery and I can't wait to hear about your experience!

One year...

Well…. Happy one year to me. In no way has it seemed like I've had these metal death traps on for a year already. The first few months with them were well….terrible. I remember thinking that I was the ugliest person in the world. When I finally got used to my reflection in the mirror they just became part of me. I won't lie…its still hard for me to see pictures of myself with them…but they'll be a distant memory a few years from now.

I have noticed that I've become very observant if not judgmental at times when I see people who could easily have a better smile. I regularly catch myself thinking…if they only knew.. Obviously I never say anything to them because I know how it feels…cause it happened me all throughout middle school and a good portion of high school. Not necessarily comments about my teeth…but my "fantastic" jaw.. People can be so cruel…even if they think they're being funny and or even helpful. That's why I keep my mouth SHUT. My blogger friends can probably relate to this…

So...picture this...

I should have blogged last week as most of this story was fresh in my mind...oh well. Thursday was the day of my "last" ortho appointment...or so I thought. I went in knowing that my jaw would be sore afterwards because of the molds and what not. Well...that was an understatement. I ended up having two molds of my bottom teeth and about 6 on my upper because the goo kept breaking when they'd pull the giant thing out of my little face. Then came the torture device... it looked like acrylic splint i've been wearing for the past two months but oh no...lets cement it to my already tender lower jaw and proceed with attaching it to some metal crazyness that took over my head. This entire appointment was supposed to last about an hour.. so I had scheduled my pre-surgical physical for 40 minutes after the alleged "end" of my ortho appointment. Well... I ended up having to text my non texting mother to tell her to call the doctors office to tell them i'd be late. So...picture this...I have all this crap in my mouth...my head surrounded with all these metal contraptions...and i'm sitting there texting my mother. Awesome. What does she do? She CALLS me. Apparently I should have explained that I was unable to talk. My fault I guess. So...basically I don't get out of the chair until 10 minutes AFTER my physical was supposed to start. Needless to say... I was kind of emotional because I have taken sooooo much time off running to all these appointments...and now I needed to reschedule one of the more important appointments of which I called almost 3 months prior for. Again, awesome. I went home instead of going back to work because at that point...I was exhausted from stress and this whole process.

I ended up amazingly getting in to see my doctor on Tuesday and everything is set on that end. Today I had my teeth cleaned in preparation for the grossness that will soon be collecting itself in my mouth.. the hygienist was super sweet and felt bad because my mouth has been through hell and back in the last week and 1/2. She basically numbed my entire mouth..and lip..haha.. so that I was more comfortable. At the end she loaded me up with all the usual goodies...including some amazing chapstick that I use religiously. This time next week I feel like that chapstick will come in handy. I'll try not to put it ALL OVER my face...its just sooo fantastical though...I may just have to.

Friday marks my last real ortho appointment....to be honest... I have no idea what he needs me for...but its allegedly a 40 minute appointment. Soo.... I'm obviously taking the afternoon off because I really have no idea what time I'd make it back to work based on the last few appointments. I am thankful though that my ortho is wanting to be so precise. Its just hard being early on in my career and trying to juggle this whole thing. However, I guess there really is no "perfect" time to have this surgery... so I'm trying to suck it up and be a trooper.

I would say that I'll have someone post an update for me once I'm out of surgery on Monday...but well... None of my friends are really "bloggers" other than on Myspace and Facebook. Maybe I'll convince one of them to do it though.

On another note... I'm hoping to have pictures up sometime on Sunday from the extravaganza that will ensue this Saturday. My good friend/roommate Jaime and I are throwing a joint birthday/last supper party. Our friends and family are gathering at a local restaurant/pub and enjoying a good meal before retreating to a local bar for free drinks! I can't wait! Any reason to dress up I guess...